I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
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