You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
