i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
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