Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Randomize
