So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
She's the barista slut.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Randomize
