hotel room ftw
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
