Pants 0. Shit 1.
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Randomize
