Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
