Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
All the doctor said was why
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
Randomize
