Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize
