I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
