with her its the mind over matter factor, i dont mind and she dont matter
I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Randomize
