I'd wear matching sweaters with you
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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