Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
the worst part is we had a camera rolling
Did his mom notice it when she saw u guys?
Yes.
I have to watch that.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
What a dumb baby whore.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
Randomize
