I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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