watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
I licked your asshole in confidence.
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
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