If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
Randomize
