dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
Randomize
