Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
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