It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
