I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
Randomize
