You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
Randomize
