You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
You're like the curious george of whores
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
