In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
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