Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
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