i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
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