my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
Randomize
