your parents love me but you hate me
OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
