last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Randomize
