i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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