I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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