Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
I think we might need a safe word for this...
dude. I can hear the air.
Randomize
