Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
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