Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
Randomize
