those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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