I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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