Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
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