In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
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