Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
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