U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
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