his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Randomize
