dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
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