now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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