he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
Randomize
