I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Randomize
