so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
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