I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay
I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
