I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
Randomize
