You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
try to milk me bitch
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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