Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
Randomize
